Monday, August 22, 2005


This probably doesn’t need much editorializing. It was found in the comments section of while researching a previous Misanthropicity post — the connection being that the guy running Ejectejecteject, Bill Whittle, is another person transformed by 9/11 into a Bush fan and conservative. He seems relatively reasonable otherwise, especially in comparison with some of his readers.

Which brings us to the below memory of Boston’s Democratic National Convention, preserved verbatim, by a local guy who calls himself “Nobody important.” Enjoy, and perhaps we can meet up afterward:

My Michael Moore Moment. Like you I loathe the “man”.

I work in downtown Boston and during the DNC I was out trolling for arguments during my lunch hour each day that week. At that point, nothing much, a few “f**k you’s” to some young Kerry campaign workers and Code Pinkos. Not quite satisfying as I was looking for some International ANSWER types or Black Tea Society anarchists.

On the final day of the convention, after another fruitless mission, as I was walking back to my office I noticed a crowd gathered outside a local restaurant. Whispers in the crowd indicated that Hillary was inside. Turns out it was a party thrown by Tina Brown for some Dem big shots. So I decided to hang out and wait for Hillary to emerge.

Suddenly someone screamed adoringly, “It’s Michael Moore!” This is the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts, so the crowd was giddy with delight and erupted with applause. As I turned around, there he was and he walked right past me crossed the street and went into the restaurant. God, was he huge! And smelly! In the same clothes.

So as he approached me and after I briefly contemplated punching his ugly face in (30 years martial arts training having restrained me), I laid into him as loud as I could.

“You f**king fat f*gg*t!”

“You f**king liar!”

“F**king traitor!”

Man, that felt great! I was elated. The people around me, mostly female office workers were aghast and drew back from me as though I had leprosy. You could tell by the look on their faces they were thinking, “My God! A Republican! In Boston, on this most holy of weeks?”

Flush with my first big heckle, I decided to wait for a while longer. Then out of the restaurant came Gray Davis. Not a big fish, but I gave him a few “Ah-nold, Ah-nold” shouts and a “Girly-man” thown in for good measure.

Then some guy says to me, “Ok, that’s enough.”

So I say, “Isn’t this America? Don’t I have free speech?”

“Yeah, but you’ve made your point. Be nice”

“What? Is there a limit?”

“You’ve made your point”

“That’s your opinion. Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one”

“Did you call me an asshole? Come over here”

He grabs my arm (turns out he’s a cop) and another uniformed cop joins him to force me away from the crowd. They ask for my ID, which I present.

“Nobody calls me an asshole”

So I apologize and they let me go after running my name through their computer looking for some excuse to arrest me. As they walk away I yelled, “More crushing of dissent in the Cradle of Liberty! Is this a police state? Did you see those Gestapo tactics?” Then the uniformed cop comes back and warns me, politely, that if I persist in my behavior they were going to arrest me for disturbing the peace. So realizing that I might just be pushing their limit, I relented and left. I didn’t want to be the guy arrested for heckling Gray Davis.

Ah, life in America. It doesn’t get any better than this.

Sorry for the long post.

Most striking is that no one else in the comments section, let alone Bill Whittle, seems to see anything wrong with Nobody important’s actions, especially the fact that he seems to have no real points to make or thoughts worthy of discussion. Instead of engaging in dialogue, he’s hurling invective. He’s educated enough to use the word “elated,” but stupid enough to be elated over yelling that Michael Moore is a “fucking fat faggot.” Aware enough to assert his rights to free speech even when confronted by the police, stupid enough to assert them over being a meanspirited potty-mouth.

There’s so much in Nobody important’s posting, and it’s so breathtakingly, astonishingly ironic, but saying more about it would be just a little silly, as it’s also pretty obvious.

So let this stand alone as a monument to the perfect Bush conservative: a follower with the soul of an imp and the mentality of a juvenile delinquent, just stupid enough that he can’t recognize his own stupidity, submerged so deeply in delusion that he mistakes horror at his actions for surprise at his identity. To him, a dashing figure who stands for America, to others, a bully, coward and moron.

1 comment:

eric said...

He's shooting par on that course of rhetoric. It just has no evolution. I have even modified some of my opinions and learned to not make it us vs.them.