PHOENIX GETS A RISE OUT OF ME

I don’t use the Boston Phoenix very much, largely because I dislike rewarding willful ugliness. I also remain confused by its insistence on splitting its “arts” and “8 days a week and beyond” sections since, a look through them will show, “8 days” doesn’t cover a whole lot that isn’t “arts.” This means that the film calendar runs in the “arts” section, but not in the calendar section, although that’s where the Phoenix indicates to its readers what movies are premiering and when ...

And what’s with the name of that section? Since there are only seven days in a week, one would think “8 days a week” would serve to indicate that there’s more in the section than just a week’s worth of schedules. But I guess “8 days a week and beyond” isn’t too moronic.

No, it really is. Sorry.

My main problem with the Phoenix remains its fugliness, though, and it drives me crazy because no one seems to notice (unless everyone else is just ignoring it, as one would a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum). Check out the issue on the stands now, with Russell Crowe representing the film “Master and Commander,” and see if you come away unscarred by this jagged junk heap of cutouts, colors and circus type. Even more notable is that the cover art of Crowe, and the tagline that refers you to read about “THE BLOCKBUSTER AS ART FILM,” refers to all of six paragraphs on page 4 of the “arts” section -- a bleedin’ movie review.

Thank God for the Phoenix, our local alternative newspaper.

It did, however, steer me toward two events this weekend I otherwise wouldn’t have known about, I think, and deserves credit for that. Even in thanking the Phoenix for having valuable content, though, I must slam it again for its presentation. Why? The same “arts”/“8 days” schism.

The “8 days” front touts “The Fabulous Invalid” at the Cutler Majestic Theatre, the play’s provenance, cost and run dates, the theater’s address and phone number. What time does the play show? See the “arts” section! And page 9 of “8 days” reveals the Bread and Puppet Theater’s Oratorio of the Possibilitarians” and “Victory Over Everything Circus,” taking up an entire third of a page and revealing all information except ... right: performance times. Wait! There is a time given. But it’s for a one-time symposium put on by the theater troupe, not the troupe’s actual shows.

For show times, readers must look in the “arts” section. But don’t look under the names of the shows, unlike every other listing there. Look instead under the name of the theater troupe.

Possibly it’s a locals-only thing, like Boston’s confusing geographical place names and the twisted streets of Somerville. But it’s frustrating ... and beyond.