SOURCES SAY

Why do all gossip sources sound the same? This has been nagging at me, but recent readings of the imdb.com gossip report has shoved the issue to the absolute top of my concerns.

Whether they’re talking to Britain’s Daily Star, Britain’s Now magazine, the Page Six Web site or direct to the World Entertainment News Network (source of imdb.com’s sleaze), all third-party sources, named or unnamed:

Tend to use names instead of pronouns -- but, oddly, only if the names haven’t been used yet in that item (“the 500 people, including Philip Seymour Hoffman and Steve Cojocaru, scrambled about”);

Show preternatural insight (“He wants to be out there and she’s more reflective”; ”Cuddly nights in with big piles of junk food are just not for him”);

And speak in odd, overly distinct phraseology (“She’s been sharing the happy news with select friends”; “It looks like it’s all over for Renee and Jack -- and this time for good”).

Although it’s most likely that it’s the gossip writers who have a formula, not the sources, I’m enjoying the possibility that after so many years of gossip permeating our society, those who pay attention to such things -- I guess I’d have to include myself now -- have learned what’s required for when they turn snitch. They can rattle off the perfect dirty detail, in perfect form.

Or, although it’s obviously unlikely, maybe there’s only one source for all the gossip, one incredibly well-connected fink, and when Ben and J. Lo and Meg and Ashton and Bruce and Demi and Russell and Sean and the rest catch on as to who it is ...