TOUCH SONG TRILOGY

Shouldn’t someone -- perhaps Rhino Records -- comes out with a masturbation compilation album? The time seems ripe; in the latest Rolling Stone, Sting describes hearing the Police on the radio as being like “Maybe the first time you masturbated successfully,” and Britney Spears explains that her song “Touch of My Hand” is about masturbation.

“Guys can talk about it. Why can’t girls? It’s a positive thing,” she said.

Delightful. But “Touch of My Hand” would be only the start of “Masturbation Compilation.” It would also include Cyndi Lauper’s “She-Bop,” of course, and the Divinyls’ “Touch Myself,” the Vapor’s “Turning Japanese,” New Order’s “Perfect Kiss” and so on. The list is long and tedious and -- I have found out -- not original. Google returns 105,000 results for “songs about masturbation.”